How can we improve society? Erection machines.

Dolly

Sunday

There was a clear divide between the Hares and the Hounds, the girls and the boys, as we sat down for a hearty Welsh pub meal at the Ship Inn on the first night of the week. Oh how things were to change... With the first of many pints under our belts (which at this stage were still firmly fastened) we quietly strolled home under the stars. Until Polly started barking that is, much to the fright of her fellow Press Officer — a nervous cynophobe. It wasn’t to be the last dog he’d encounter that week.

Monday

It was a standard start to the camp with no movement from the girls and very rapid movement from the boys in what became the usual first morning run burn–up. So with some miles to add the pints of the previous night, the 100 point challenge had officially commenced. As had the eating with everyone restoring their strength through a mixture of Tim’s Shreddies, Polly’s porridge and Chettle’s massacred eggs — which were soon to become another staple of the week’s diet.

Following an extended game of beach football, several failed attempts to fly Kollier’s Kite and once Bannon had returned the girls from the ‘caves’, it was time for Schedule A’s second session of the day — circuits. Schedule F, Schedule F**k off, meanwhile returned from his lonely round of golf whilst disciples of Schedule D began the night’s drinking whilst ‘overseeing’ the real athletes.

Things soon escalated into the kitchen/dining area where our sensible Secretary initiated a drinking forfeit in the form of 1litre of beer to be imbibed from his drinks bottle as quickly as possible. Feeling the pressure of representing the stars and stripes Aldron was surprisingly the first vomit of the week.

Tuesday

The worst weather of the week accompanied mile reps around an ”appealing“ (should that be ‘appalling’ Ed.) field by the cliff edge. After several Haries threatened to jump, Package Brown called a team huddle and soon enough the session was underway. Twisted ankles, aching legs and rutted ground were all endured thanks to the encouragement of Farmers Pattison and Murray. Meanwhile the stand–up comic genius Jundy lightened the mood by soiling himself and then blaming it on a sheep. There was to be more soiling and feeble excuses in the days to come.

The afternoon was taken up by a trip to Newgale Sands where the men and ladies surfed whilst the boys and girls played cricket on the beach. Two hours in the Irish Sea saw varying degrees of success on the waves yet even Polly’s run–in with a weaver fish didn’t dampen spirits.

Not typical of a quiet and reserved Fresher, Halle Berry jumped on to Bannon’s banter–wagon and in to his car, moving it a few feet across the car park. Our favourite Blue, however, didn’t react well to such a prank issuing threats of violence and banning him from riding in the Bannon–mobile ever again. It was a rant rivalling those of Psycho Patti.

A standard evening game of Empires interestingly taught us that Eliza made teachers cry, Declan battered his brother with a brick and that er… Jundy went to St. Thomas’ RC Primary School. He also farted in assembly.

Wednesday

Training consisted of taking it steady today, whilst the freshers crossed the gender divide to where Halle Berry and aMANda felt most at home. Jundy devoted his day to sitting outside and pulling it, twisting it, flicking it and bopping it in time to the music. It was a shame then he didn’t last more than 5 seconds. With the Bop–It occupied, Emma Figures had to turn to a game of catch in order to get her stripping fix. Bannon and Brunning’s poor ball skills shone through but we were luckily spared the full monty by them leaving the game just in time.

As the light began to fade, Schedule F’s lone follower, Psycho Patti, returned from his customary crazy epic walk just in time to sample the food of the BBQ King, play a game of chess, down a pint of vodka and put himself to bed. As the stars came out, the group split into the ‘dirty’ and the ‘innocent’. With one half retiring to the bedroom for some massage and the rare treat of Jundy’s Thai hands, the other sat down to a civilised game of discovery. As the masseuses turned to knee orgasms, the mature adults learnt about the multiple uses of tables.

Thursday

A series of short, sharp group repetitions on a rugby pitch, starring the one rep wonder Mr Aidan Reilly, were followed by another trip to the beach. A group–bonding game of beach rounders saw a surprising special guest appearance of the lone ranger Psycho Patti. Later, the weaver fish struck down another surfer, namely the resident wet–wimp, one–pint Gilbert.

The evening centred around further bonding involving newspaper, Sudoku and constructing tall, free–standing erections. Games–master Gill cemented his position adding a team victory to his glorious Empire of Tuesday night. Meanwhile our friend from Charterhouse decided Sudoku was a shit game to play when drunk and so resorted to the usual ‘games’ with Polly, and some unnecessarily aggressive karaoke. Following his warm–up act, Mr James Chettle, it was Captain Speedo’s time to shine. A pint of wine was downed a lot slower than ”that–guy–who–lives–here“ after which Declan demonstrated none of the manners exhibited earlier in the week by his fellow northerner. (apologies Ed.)

Friday

The morning after the night before was happening too with Declan arm–deep in unidentified toilet ‘residue’, Brunning and Cat ‘talking’ in the bedroom and Chettle falling at a horse’s feet in sheer shock at the size of its not–so–private parts. Suffice to say it was a lot bigger than those on show the previous night.

Having ran off the headaches and shaken off the hangovers, the rest of the day was spent playing chess, hearts, boggle and poker. It was only later that day that someone stumbled across Jundy’s favourite toy to discover a new record had been set and that Bop–It had been taken to new heights. As we all tried to come to terms with the anonymous high score (217 or 270, we couldn’t quite make it out) the A team proceeded to thrust, grunt and sweat for 30 minutes under Robin’s supervision on the lawn. Nice.

Saturday

The day started with a homeless Tim being found in the kitchen with only his Shreddies to comfort him following traumatic encounters of Brunning’s Bounding during the small hours. However, it was all denied by the couple in question for the rest of the day, even when they enjoyed an evening stroll under the stars.

The Captain’s hills session gave the wannabe centurions a good points addition, then the afternoon was filled with everyone getting their particular fixes, whether it be surfing, poker, chess, flicking/pulling/twisting it, or going for a Bound.

The tradition of the final night pub meal was adhered to. However, pleasant mealtime banter led to controversy surrounding the equally socially important topics of schooling and the 100 point challenge. It was clear that the week was drawing to a close as one–pint Gilbert sang his way across the 100 points finishing line (probably to Katy Perry for about the 50^th time in the 7 days).

Sunday

The bed–head of the camp actually rose for the long run at the ridiculous hour of 8am and the bleary eyed Hareys made their way along the picturesque coastal path for the final time. It was nearly the finale of life itself for one runner as the resident cynophobe jumped into a bush of brambles very near cliff edge to escape a couple of dogs. His drinking partner just laughed. On his return, the rant of the day was awarded to Captain Speedo for his hatred of dogs. (Boo the dog hater! Ed.)

Doubts began to surface surrounding Package Brown’s mileage as Gilbert and Mackay continued to aim to protect the integrity of the hundred points challenge. Repeatedly.

And so, the week had drawn to a close, cars were packed up and brief farewells said as the runners departed to their various subsequent destinations. Cat and Jamie were going all the way together, and Will was going nearly all the way with Polly…

Quotes of the Week

‘John, I heard you were doing exciting things with disabled children’ — all we can do is smile, we’ve no chance in Figures–ing this one out

‘Do you live here?’ — Emma Smiley introduces herself to a former Blues Athletics Captain.

‘My primary school was called St Thomas RC Primary School’ — Jundy lets us in on a little secret but shhh don’t tell anyone...

‘We’ve only seen her from the waist–up she might have all sorts of problems down below’ — Jundy pulls rank on Freshers girlfriend, if only he could pull her in other ways.

‘Jundy, you’re a Trinity Mathmo, shut up!’ — King Gilbert of Training Camp puts the St Thomas RC Primary School alumnus in his place.

‘Tim, you were making a lot more noise in bed than Bannon was’ — it appears our predecessor really is experienced in the bedroom (with boys at least)

‘Emma, I’m sorry I think I did bad things to you last night.’ — I take it all back he’s done it to the girls too.

‘I just don’t like being around sweaty, hot, naked people’ — no sex, no banter, is there anything you do believe in Eliza?

‘If I go about this the right way, I can get cock’ — failing that Tim, D will just show you his for free. Other Ed.

Last modified: Friday October 02 2009 20:05:50