ISLE OF MAN EASTER ATHLETICS FESTIVAL
Declan Murray
‘Twas Easter weekend and from all across the country students past and students present were descending on the Isle of Man for the legendary 47th Annual Easter Athletics Festival where names are made and reputations gained.
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And Jundy wasted no time in earning his – as his bowels rocked in time to the boat, he donated a serving of tuna sweet–corn to the Irish Sea. Such charitable actions ensured the verb ‘to Junder’ was officially admitted into Harey vocabulary for the rest of the weekend. However, the Jundster got off lightly in comparison to poor Jack whom we awoke to find was not there in the morning having taken himself to hospital with a crucifixion of the bowels in the night. And so with one down and seventeen remaining, the Greyhounds returned to last year’s base at the kennels of Duncan Manor to eat and psyche ourselves up for the first race of the festival — the Port Erin 10km.
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Feeling truly inspired by the determination of rodeo riders and sick of playing cards to keep Aidan quiet, the Greyhounds took to the seafront. It was from here that Mackay and Murray staged the inaugural Junder Hill Race up Mt. Cambridge — consisting of one pint, one scramble up, one pint, one roll down, one pint, one scramble up, one pint and one roll down to the finish (only this year it included no beer!). ‘Traditions’ aside, the Tabs soon found themselves surrounded by a sea of Alehouse Orange and Doss Yellow on the start–line. The Greyhound Pinks henceforth held their own and did Cambridge proud. Pattison and Polly were the top dogs home — the bloody bitch even beat yours truly! Then, following a truly animalistic ice–bath in the sea by Emma Figures, the Greyhounds grabbed some much needed sustenance in the form of chips and retired to Douglas for an Italian evening of pasta and Mafia–filled fun.
The next morning, with the Men’s A team looking pretty in pink as well as sitting pretty at 2nd place, the Hounds travelled to the Peel Hill Race — a novel concept to most Cantabrigians! But again, they remained unfazed and put in a great effort to show Edinburgh who the real Haries were, taking 1st place overall. Then it was on to the real business of the day – the mammoth Peel to Douglas ten mile pub crawl. Beginning at about 4pm, the hard–core among us ran our way, chanting our amazing impromptu chants, downing our pints, losing our boat races, receiving abuse for having ‘shit–hair’, running naked around maypoles and bombarding the unsuspecting Manx pubs. Before we knew it, it was dark, we were drunk and we were back in Douglas. Only to discover that a miracle had occurred; not only had we made it back in one piece but that Jack had been resurrected! And what a better way to celebrate than with Andy ‘Dylan’ Duncan and the Junder Wonder sweetly serenading those sober enough to listen into a gentle sleep.
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Easter Sunday was the final day of the Festival with the 5km Relay along the Douglas seafront and with two days of racing and one long night of drinking in the legs it was surely going to be the hardest. Yet still the female Greyhounds put in a consistent effort to finish 5th team for the third time, whilst Emma Figures came in 22nd again! Likewise the men rounded the weekend’s running off in style taking the overall Festival team victory. ”Woof woof“ went the celebrations as the tougher team–members took to the water with a mixture of dives, splashes, bombs and weird–shaped jumpy things... From there the Pink Pride Party went to beautify themselves even more, apply even more pink power (in the form of post–it notes) and prepare for the most competitive races of the weekend — those involving 4 pints of the finest Manx ales. Even with a faster time than last year, the Greyhounds failed to progress beyond the quarter–finals in a contest heavily dominated by the scarily good Alehouse drinkers. However, the night was far from tainted. The vast majority of money Haries had won from racing was spent (especially Will’s newly bulging wallet, which was exploited for all it’s worth) as we became merrily inebriated. And so the Pinks danced the night away doggy–style on the very intimate dance–floor.
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In keeping with tradition, it was the girls who failed to make breakfast the next day, although, it has to be said the rest of us made it in literal dribs and drabs as we sat comparing dance wounds and hoarse voices. The rest of the day was spent recovering, retelling the previous night’s adventures, most notably those of Andy ‘I like to take my top off’ Duncan, and plotting for further Pink domination next year. After the awarding of pinks and half–pinks, it was concluded that next year we need more numbers, more pink and more beer — it is a drinking festival after all!
Then Tim sprang to his ferry, to his team gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a beer but I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove into the sun, ”Happy Easter to all, and to all a good run!" Here’s to next year...
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Appendices
The Pinks Committee (made up of past Club Captains who have attended the IoM Festival as Cambridge Greyhounds) can award Half and Full Pinks for feats of "athletic" ability during the Easter Weekend.
Full Pink Criteria (all of the following):
Complete all three races (10 km, 3 or 4 mile hill race, 5 km)
Finish the Peel–Douglas pub crawl (10 miles + 6 pubs)
Compete in the Beer–Racing (1 pint in relay of 4)
Half Pink Criteria (at least one of the following):
Complete all three races
Reach the Quarter–Final in the Beer–Racing
Come top 15 (top 10 for women) in one race
Other animalistic behaviour judged at committee's discretion
This year the awards were presented as follows –
Half Pinks:
Tim Pattison
Will Mackay
Owain Bristow
Don Bennett
James Gill
Emma Figures
Sally Ann–Hales
Dan Barnard
Full Pinks:
Phil Scard
Simon Gilbert
Jonathan Undy
Polly Keen
Declan Murray
Tom Heslop
Animal of the Festival
— AOTF
Jack ‘Jesus’ Lamplugh reminded
us of the roots of the weekend holiday with his own resurrection story
after two nights in hospital — pretty animalistic if you ask me.
Meanwhile Jundy’s serial junders on the ferry deserve a mention.
But in all honesty, there was only really one candidate for this title
— the man himself, Mr Phil Scard. Even at his age, he bust his
gut on three separate occasions to carry the Greyhounds to victory putting
himself through a whole lot of pain in the process, he will most definitely
be Scard for Life.
Shark of the Festival
— SOTF
Aidan and Jundy put in good
performances on the dancefloor and ferry respectively to win this award
but in true dictatorial yours truly has awarded it to his partner in
crime — Miss Polly Keen. For tracking me all weekend and inebriating
me with alcohol on two separate occasions all so she could pounce and
take advantage of my drunken state... Some people just don’t
give up!
Compiled and edited by your Press Officer(s), Dolly.